The Eleventh Wow-er

Maddie is inches away from the one-year mark! The last month has flown by, probably because we’ve been having fun instead of suffering an ear-infected, thrushy, teething nightmare crapstorm.* With the lack of crises recently, I didn’t have nearly as many humorous revelations for this post as usual—I’m certainly not complaining, but I do want you to get your money’s worth. (Donations welcome.) So, to supplement, I’d like to share a few Maddie Truths to pad this round’s list, followed up by my nuggets of awesome and, of course, a roundup of fun photos you probably haven’t seen unless you hacked my phone.

*However, we are under threat of another teething crapstorm this week. Forecast calls for major crabbing with a chance of hunger strikes.

MADDIE TRUTHS
by Madeline Louisa Morrissey

1. Bubbles are fun. Bubble wands are funner. Double-fisting bubble wands and bubble bottles while trying to pull yourself up on furniture is funnest.
2. When you get to pick your book at bedtime, the one on the right is always better than the book on the left. Trust me.
3. You can make an entire sentence out of the word “Hi.” Try it sometime!
4. Don’t listen to your parents; sippy cups are toys.
5. All changing tables are built over pits of liquid-hot magma. Boycott accordingly.
6. Naps are for losers.
7. Bananas are the best! Bananas are gross. Sweet potatoes are the best! Sweet potatoes are poisonous. Potato soup is the best! Potato soup is only acceptable when mixed with pasta. (Hey, babies need to carb load, too.) Squash is the best! Squash is barely passable. Strawberries are the best…yes! Yes they are!
8. Always play with the dirtiest tennis ball you can find. It’ll boost your immune system.
9. All meat-based jarred baby food is an abomination.
10. Nobody will ever love you as much as your parents…except maybe grandparents. And the dog when you have poofs.

And now for a few words from an adult (no really; see #5):

– I could have a bunch of stick-figure decals and “look how far I run” stickers on my rear windshield, but I will just let the car seat, the dog bowl, the cat hair, the running stroller, the bike helmet, the vast assortment of water bottles, the spare t-shirt and the giant, injury-waiting-to-happen bike rack speak for themselves.

– I am now the target audience for sappy Mother’s Day commercials.

– Old MacDonald’s farm tends to get a little overpopulated when we have to get all the way home from Home Depot. Did you know that on his farm he had a monkey, a yappy dog, an elephant and a tractor with a horn? It’s a very diverse ecosystem.

– I just read a review of baby sandals and rejoiced that one of the negative comments was that they were too wide for babies. Not too wide for my baby’s stumpy sturdy feet, lady!

– I own more orthopedic shoes than heels, I think all skateboarders are going to break their necks, and I just gave money to a college graduate I am not related to. I kinda feel like middle age should have sent a welcoming committee.

– In an effort to be courteous and not throw a wet diaper away in my mother in law’s bathroom, I inadvertently carried it around in Maddie’s diaper bag for a week.

– I sure hope our neighbors at this romantic lakeside inn are a Chicago businessman and his absurdly young mistress. That’s the only way I won’t feel guilty about Maddie screaming bloody murder at 1 am because her white noise turned off and she couldn’t sleep.

– A playroom full of colorful things that sing songs and light up, and this kid is most entertained by my breast pump.

– “99 disgusting ticks on the dog, 99 disgusting ticks. Take one out, let out a shout, 98 disgusting ticks on the dog…”

– When I was pregnant, I spilled an entire bag of Swedish Fish in my car when I tore it open in a passionate mission to get my fix as quickly as humanly possible. I have vacuumed at least 15 times since then. I am still finding little red fish to this day. At this rate, I may still be finding them in time to fuel my next round of cravings.

– Crawling, walking, talking…all important. However, I believe that the moment your child no longer cries when putting her arms through the car-seat straps is a highly underrated developmental milestone.

Wishing Auntie Jenn a happy birthday…and clinging to the pen for dear life.

Denim Day at the Morrissey house

Not quite as into her first slide ride as she was into her first swing ride. All in good time.

Flour + baby oil = edible mess

Hanging out with Mommy at Stah-bucks, dahling!

Shopping for annuals and chatting away to nobody in particular

Ooooh, sand!

Heeeere, fishie fishie fishie…

Farmer? Surfer? Looks like somebody is all set for an identity crisis while wearing overalls to the beach.

I want to go to there.

Well lookie who got herself from the far corner of her bedroom to the doorway of the guest room all by herself. Slippery slope from here!

Hanging out with Grams and Pops on Mother’s Day

Alfalfa Morrissey, at your service!

“This playground is amazing, don’t you think, Doggie?”

“Here, Mommy, you look like you need some wood chips.”

True story!

Waiting for fun to arrive.

“Here, Auntie Tiff, you look like you need a tulip petal.”

Wandering around with Auntie Tiff, watching the doggies. Life is good.

And, here are a few videos you may have missed:

Love Me Ten-der

Our Perfect 10

Maddie is a decade (of months) old! Where has the time gone? Well, this month it has gone to an ear infection, fifth disease, teething, extreme thrush (including Technicolor diaper rash!) and the endless pursuit of balance and mobility. But, because we dig looking on the bright side around these parts, I would like to point out that the teething resulted in, you know, a tooth, and the thrush rash required wearing far-less-cumbersome disposable diapers, which handily unencumbered Maddie so she could start to crawl (sort of)! See below for videographic evidence:

And, here is videographic evidence that I did, in fact, give birth to a Morrissey, as seen by her antics on a wild Saturday night after hanging with Uncle B and Auntie Tiff:

And, here’s a short video of her first time in the swing, which Daddy could not WAIT to put up for her. For the record, it was snowing at the time.

And now, here are the latest nuggets of profound…oh, whatever. Check it out:

-If it weren’t for people other than her parents, I’m pretty sure Maddie would think her first name is really Sweet Pea.

-I’m reading a book that compares different parenting philosophies. Do this…no, don’t. Do that…no, don’t do that. Ugh, makes my brain hurt. My parenting philosophy is: “Keep them alive, keep them fairly happy, and teach them not to be a dick.”

-I seem to be hitting my head on things with above-average frequency. I think it’s the universe’s way of retaliating for all the times I let Maddie fall on her poor little baby face.

-There’s a reason this beautiful linen Easter dress doesn’t have a “wash before wearing” disclaimer. Ugh. Looks like my iron and I will be spending lots of quality time together.

-Find me someone who shows me how to power-wash the inside of my house, and I’ll show you someone going to heaven.

-None of the baby books tell you that the best way to get your kiddo to chill out at the doctor when she has a 103 fever is to give her a crumpled Target receipt. Take that, experts.

-I don’t always spill bubble gum-flavored (and -colored) liquified antibiotics on my child, but when I do, I do it when she’s wearing pink. And then I send her to school.

-In ten months of parenthood, I have encountered fewer more difficult tasks than finding or making a new purse/tote bag that holds all my crap, doesn’t cost a fortune and doesn’t scream “I’M A MOMMY IN HER 30s WHO WAS NEVER PARTICULARLY COOL BUT IS NOW WHATEVER THE OPPOSITE OF HIP IS.” I don’t think there’s really a good option here.

-You know you’re a mom when you let your baby stick the irreplaceable French barrette you bought with your BFF 10 years ago in her mouth because she might think it was neato.

-This month’s exotic baby-feeding locations include the Home Depot bathroom (bonus points for Maddie eating a piece of toilet paper off the floor for dessert when I set her down for 10 seconds so I could pee) and the parking lot between an IMAX theater and an off-track betting establishment. It was a slow month.

-In search of an Easter bunny, I just went to the ritziest mall in town in my painting jeans with no makeup on my face and baby snot on my hoodie. Keep it klassy, Chicago.

-And then we ended up at the Bass Pro Shop.

-Sometimes I wonder if Maddie thinks I am replaced by a hologram if she’s not physically touching me. No, sweetheart, I don’t cease to exist when I hand you off to someone else.*

*Update: Mommy has been demoted. Now when we go to school, it’s like, “Ugh, Mom, you’re embarrassing me. Just leave.”

-I can only imagine what our oddball new employee, who actually eats his lunch in the kitchen (unlike normal employees who eat at their desks), would think if he knew I was putting breast milk in the fridge every day at noon while he’s chowing down his turkey sandwich.

-No, Madeline Louisa Morrissey, just like all the other 100s of times I have laid you down on your changing table, I have no plans to filet you, grill you and serve you with couscous. Perhaps you could limit your ear-piercing shrieks of despair to moments when you life is actually in danger.

-Babies who can crawl are like ninjas. Little miniature ninjas. All of a sudden, they’re just there.

-You learn something new every day. Today, I learned what fifth disease is. Because Maddie and I have it. Hurray, learning!

-You really don’t know what living is until you let a teething baby with an itchy rash who needs a nap play with a full Nalgene bottle and subsequently drop it on her foot.

-Well, start planning the Nobel ceremony…my child can blow raspberries before crawling or saying her first word. Destined for greatness, she is.

-They make a lot of baby clothes that have little “Mommy loves me” emblems. That’s because there’s no room for “Mommy loves me…even though I scream if she looks at me wrong, I regularly blow raspberries with sweet potatoes in my mouth, and I have had six sloppy poops today.”

-The Lollipop Guild Ninja is a perfectly acceptable nickname for a pediatrician. She sounds like she sucked down three helium balloons…but she has a black belt. So, ah, forget I said anything.

-Don’t toss that underripe cantaloupe! It can provide hours minutes of entertainment and joy to a teething baby.

-“You’re normal…not crazy like other new moms” might be the nicest compliment I’ve ever received.  Thank you, Rachel the dog park buddy! It’s not true, but I’ll take it.

-In our house, “healthy” is so relative, I think I should invite it for Thanksgiving and put it on my Christmas card list.

-If nursing, training for a triathlon and cutting sugar don’t get my BMI below 29, I doubt anything short of a Somali famine will.

-When Maddie was first born, I worried obsessively about how much she was eating, about whether or not she was sleeping enough and at the right times, and about every questionable noise she made or mysterious mark on her body. I’m happy to report that I don’t really worry about that stuff anymore…which is great, because it really frees me up to live in a constant state of fear that she will be blown up by a fundamentalist in broad daylight or attacked by a pack of dogs. So, you know, I have that going for me.

-I like to do things as awkwardly as possible.

-Apparently, using the same contact lens case since seventh grade is not something to be proud of. Huh.

-Most children have teddy bears, stuffed bunnies or baby blankets as woobies. Mine counts a turtle-shaped hairbrush and a rubber ducky dressed like a mermaid in her wolf pack.

Just hanging out with “doggie.”

Now that she’s in a big-girl car seat, she gets to ride in shopping carts like a big girl. Her first such outing? Home Depot, of course.

Despite knowing full well that water comes out and should go in her mouth, she’s more interested in a) chewing on her sippy cup, and b) turning said cup upside down so that the water comes out nowhere near her mouth.

Waaaah! Doctor’s office! Waaaah! Waaahwaaahwait a minute…paper! Ooh, paper, I love you!

Having an oral child comes in quite handy for albuterol treatments, as she’s willing to just stick the tube in her mouth without wearing the elephant mask. It’s the little things.

We are such hillbillies.

Crabby days become less crabby when there’s an empty cardboard box to chew on in a laundry basket.

“Keys are AMAZING,” said every kid ever.

Truth in advertising.

And sometimes crabby days end with getting up close and personal with the laundry room rug. She is perfectly content here, for the record.

Enter the Maddie Megadome. 360 degrees of pure awesome.

Hangin’ with Ozzie, no big thang.

Like mommy, like Maddie. I regularly dress us alike, but I swear it’s an accident. Usually.

More doggie love. I have no illusions…he’s totally scouting for crumbs.

Beautiful day, isn’t it, Mr. Turtle?

I HATE THE WORLD, I HATE LIFE, I HATE…oh wait, I don’t hate you, cool blanket from Aunt Shirley. You may remain.

It was a rainbow leggings kind of day. But shouldn’t every day be a rainbow leggings kind of day?

Meeting her fellow flower girl, Emily, at future-aunt Stephanie’s beautiful bridal shower. Fast friends!

I gave Maddie a piece of banana from my cake…she seems content now, but how long will it be before she realizes there’s more to cake than nice, wholesome fruit?

Getting ready for her first go in the swing…

Roller Coaster Baby approves!

Oooh, pretty vapor! (Hard to believe it took so long for her to discover that her frog humidifier kicks out water vapor.)

STRAWBERRIES! Love at first gnaw.

This is the face of a child who just put a handful of dirt in her mouth. At least it was potting soil, so it was full of nutrients.

Now that she can stand, she is ready to rock! After discovering this walker in a corner of the living room, she intuitively figured out how to use it. She’s pretty sharp.

The future is so bright, she’s gotta wear shades…for about 3 seconds before she pulls them off and sticks them in her mouth.

Sweet Child o’ Nine

How old am I? Nine o’ your business!

Madeline Louisa Morrissey is 9 months old! And (kinda) standing! She’s officially been in the real world longer than she was in the inner sanctum…thankfully she hasn’t let the maturity go to her head. Yet.

Some of you may have noticed that I missed the 8-month update. Well, thanks to the soul-crushing loss of all my hee-larious kernels of ridiculousness (no, thank you, iCloud), I had no material. And, because I was on a crazy work deadline and then we were traveling for a fair bit of the last month, I also had no time. I did, however, have a fantastic headline: “Eight That a Kick in the Head.” Actually, losing my notes felt more like a kick to the kidneys, but that’s neither here nor there.

Without much more ado, here is the paltry (yet hysterical!) rundown of observations vaguely remembered and newly written post-psychological recovery. (Gotta say, the loss of all that material was a real blow; my remarks on cry-it-out sleep training were gold, Jerry, gold!) Most of the nuggets are travel-related, since we went to Montana and Colorado to visit anyone and everyone who matters (unless, ah, we didn’t visit you…in which case, you matter, too!). Plus, below that is the requisite photostravaganza of what our little peanut butter cup has been up to for the past two months. Enjoy!

• Never ever tell people who let you and your baby cut in the airport security line that you packed well. There’s a full water bottle in your backpack and you forgot to take your laptop out.

• Thanks to the WhiteNoise app, I can feel like I’m in an appliance showroom during a hurricane while sharing a hotel room with my child. (“Dishwasher Running,” “Whistling Wind” and “Rainstorm” are the sound mix of choice.)

• Watching “Cops” on mute at the Holiday Inn is awesome.

• If you ever think to yourself, “Self, I shouldn’t let my infant play with that Diet Coke can,” listen to that advice. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself borrowing Band-Aids from the rangers at Little Bighorn Battlefield and trying to nonchalantly explain why your innocent baby is bleeding profusely. (Also of note, if you ever think to yourself, “Self, we don’t need to travel with the first-aid kit that is usually in the diaper bag–whyever would our pre-walking baby need a bandage?”—don’t listen to that advice.)

• Well, sir, perhaps if you hadn’t reclined your seat back fully on the nice lady and her precious little baby, the aforementioned baby’s head hitting your seat wouldn’t keep waking you up.

• In the land of sequestration-induced TSA personnel cuts, the woman with stroller is queen.

• I can add six airplanes, Little Bighorn Battlefield, the Target parking lot, a handicapped bathroom stall at Midway airport (twice!) and the parking lot of the Stanley Hotel to the list of 101 Places to Nurse Your Child Before You Die.

• Nothing wrong with using the bottle drying rack for wine glasses. Er…right?

• Beauty Tip: Hide that not-so-fresh feeling caused by your baby yakking on you before work by spritzing on a little perfume. NO ONE WILL NOTICE. Except everyone probably will.

• The problem with not remembering who gave your child that pink teddy bear is that you don’t know whether or not to hide its dog-ravaged carcass when company comes over.

• I deal with far more human, feline and canine excrement on any given day than can reasonably be expected of a single person. If you ever hear me say, “I’m sick of this shit,” there’s a 98% chance that I mean it literally.

• The assortment of items my child is playing with this morning includes an ice cream bucket, a dish towel, a metal binder clip and some plastic Easter eggs. Where are the real toys, you ask? Pshaw. What do you think this is, amateur hour?

• Carseat installation could easily be a challenge on “Survivor: Baby Island.”

• Every newborn’s parents need to be sent home from the hospital with a watch, a calculator and 12 coupons for free pizza. Nobody told me how much math is involved in parenting. And I just really like pizza.

You say laundry basket, she says happyfuntime basket. Potato, potahto.

You know what they say…one man’s trash is another baby’s favorite new toy.

The winner of the 2013 Morrissey Super Bowl Party Costume Contest, ladies and gentlemen!

Maddie’s teacher, Ms. Lois, sent her her first Valentine in the mail. Of course, Maddie thought it needed to go directly into her mouth, do not pass go.

She never forgets a special occasion.

Our funny Valentine!

Practicing her standing…and her over-the-shoulder modeling looks.

Maddie’s first non-in-utero visit to IKEA was a blast!

Take Your Daughter to Work Day! Or, as we called it, Take Your Daughter to Mommy’s Work Because KinderCare Is Closed and Daddy Needs to Do Something With This Baby Day!

In addition to being the only two girls in the house under 20 pounds, Maddie and Bella have found more common ground: BUBBLES!

Eight it great?

Every time I feel like I’m getting nothing done at work, I will remember what it’s like to have a baby on my lap while I’m trying to proof pages. Her notes on page 37? “gljk4lktjgre4tkfd.”

I can only hope that I don’t catch her posing like this in a bathing suit in 15 years.

Rare is the Morrissey vacation that doesn’t involve a historic site. This round was Little Bighorn Battlefield.

Thanks for the gauze and Band-Aid, Little Bighorn Battlefield visitor center staffer, sir. PS, can you tell me why my mom always accidentally dresses us alike?

Haaaaaaay, other passengers on my flight. How you doin’? I’m cute.

Vacations are hard work!

Discovering that standing makes it a lot easier to get things out of the toy box…meanwhile, Brody could care less.

Maddie, meet Elwood.

Because why wouldn’t we take our daughter to the hotel where “The Shining” was set? Er, an American landmark full of history that is not at all creepy or scary?

Even without her dog and kitties running around, Maddie still found some wildlife to watch while on vacation.

Hanging out with Timmy the Talking Bear at Great Kate’s house. He asked her what she’d do if she found a dog in her pajamas. I think it stumped her.

Nobody told her babies aren’t supposed to like hummus. More please!

At our St. Patrick’s Day celebration, Grandma Suzy let Maddie borrow her red braids…not a bad look!

Practicing her beer mug grip for the future.

She’s been wearing these PJs for awhile, but they were especially perfect for St. Patty’s Day…and she has her rainbow rings to complete the leprechaun look.

Seven Is a Place on Earth

Seventh Heaven!

Seven months! Where has the time gone? Well, for the last several weeks, the time has gone to entertaining some cherished friends, reclaiming our house from Hurricane Christmas, and recovering from (in no particular order) stomach flus, colds, thrush, teething that was not teething and was instead a crazy growth spurt, and crappysleepitis. I’m not going to spell out the (horrifically painful, obnoxiously persistent) details of thrush for you, except to say that Maddie was not the sufferer, and I went through several prescriptions before quite painfully (in more ways than one) coming to terms with the fact that the only relief comes from eradicating sugar from my diet. And the angels wept for me. In other news, Maddie learned two major things this month: 1) How to fall asleep by herself once lulled by a reading of The Very Hungry Caterpillar and a few rounds of “Champagne Supernova” and “Hey, Jude”; and 2) How to roll over at last! Here’s video proof, followed by this month’s pearls of absurdity:

– I would have preferred that Maddie wait until college to learn that a fun day should end with puking.

– Would I take a bullet for my child? If my eagerness to catch her banana-mucus vomit with my bare hands is any indication, all signs point to “yes.”

– What kind of parent does it make me that, upon seeing my child playing with the plastic case her blocks came in, I was less concerned about the “Warning: This bag is not a toy!” sticker than the Made in China tag?*

*My “Buy American, Shop Local” soapbox is awfully high these days…at least, y’know, when it’s convenient.

– Know what is horrible when your baby is teething having a crab-tacular growth spurt? Having a version of the flu that’s just slightly less awful than that suffered by your spouse, who is passed out on the couch with no regard for parenting responsibilities. Know what can make you feel better? Your daughter being entirely enraptured by “The Sound of Music.” Grandma Preston was watching out for me that day.

– After not eating for 30 flu-tastic hours, I thought I should give fenugreek a try to keep my milk supply up. In case you were wondering, this is what the Interweb has to say about it: “One way to determine if you’re taking the correct dosage is to slowly increase the amount of fenugreek until your sweat and urine begin to smell like maple syrup.” Shall I point out the irony of this considering my inability to eat sugar? Or would you like to put those pieces together yourself?

– I honestly can’t remember if I brushed my teeth today.

– Nothing makes you feel like a bad parent like almost dropping your child in front of your closest friends.

– Nothing makes you feel like a good parent like being stuck driving behind a Mazda 3 with a bumper sticker that has “I Support Single Moms” written around a picture of a pole dancer…and an infant carrier in the backseat.

– My daughter has a crush on David Gregory. Apparently she didn’t get the memo that we are a George Stephanopoulos household.

– I’m trying not to question the fact that this 4.5-star sleep-through-the-night book mentions cassette tapes and film cameras.

– And this one discusses the caffeine content of Sunkist Orange vs Diet Sunkist Orange.

– There are few things more frustrating than your baby waking up two hours after going to bed…when you are busy reading a book about how to prevent your baby waking up two hours after going to bed.

– Pooping messily not once but thrice between midnight and 5 am does nothing to help a baby fall back to sleep. In case you were wondering.

– I doubt “bitch be trippin’!” is an appropriate reaction to “Downton Abbey” plot twists.

– Know what’s more fun than crying it out? Crying it out while Mommy is going solo. Know what Daddy missed? A baby who slept from 8:15-6:45. Straight.*

*Don’t get too excited; this was an isolated, though blissful, occurrence.

– I missed the gym. I did not miss getting to the locker room right when Tween Swim Team practice lets out.

– When you’re not allowed to eat sugar, it’s perfectly acceptable to watch the video of a 2-year-old’s birthday and be jealous of her cake. Um…right?

– I’m quite minimally ashamed to admit that I am slightly more enthusiastic about parenting when I only have to get up once a night.

– My thrushy baby-feeders and I would just like to ever-so-cordially say: F you, Pinterest. F you and your creme brûlée and your Twix brownies and your  cherry almond bars and your s’mores seven-layer bars and your cookie dough fudge and your dark cocoa buttermilk cake with a creamy cocoa mascarpone frosting. Seriously. F you.

– I was only the tiniest bit concerned that Maddie’s first night with a paid babysitter would somehow end up like the plot of “Labyrinth.” Thankfully, David Bowie did not steal my baby and hold her hostage in a mythical maze.

– Nothing beats texting with your brother about carseats while watching “American Reunion.”

– After your baby shoves enough flyers, greeting cards, bills, coupons, magazines and books in her mouth, you start to wonder if she has pica.

– Maddie’s dexterity is improving at an alarming pace. I am beginning to understand why so many moms choose to have 13-year-old boy hairstyles.

Daddy and Maddie battled over who got to use the ticket to Medieval Times. Daddy won.

With Uncle Jim and Aunt Katie, who will soon be much more available for cuddling once they relocate from Florida to Ohio.

Happy New Year! Our pediatrician gave me the idea when he commented on Maddie’s white cloth diaper at her last appointment.

Ready to watch the Wildcats win! Go U NU!

Baby Spy Cam: Mommy’s favorite channel!

You never know what show is going to be on.

Wishing Cousin Rori a happy 2nd birthday…meanwhile, Howard attempts to forget that it’s winter.

Buckets rule.

Brrr, it’s cold out here. There must be a Maddie in the atmosphere!

Playing peek-a-boo with Daddy to maximize our smile output.

Have Yourself a Maddie Little Christmas

Six is the new five.

Madeline’s first unbirthday and Christmas have come and gone in quite a whirlwind! Since our last post, she had her first Thanksgiving dinner, saw her cousins in Indianapolis and picked out her very first Christmas tree. She also got a delightful visit from Gramma Liz, spent quality time with Grandma Suzy and the rest of the Morrissey/Linden/Muller clan, and made the acquaintance of a portly old fellow with a very grabbable white beard–oh, and wiped the floor with us when it came to her Christmas haul. Enjoy the latest roundup of musings and photos from Planet Maddie!

• Every so often, the clouds part and the light of the angels shines down into a dark corner of the basement to reveal a Bumpo seat you forgot you had. And the child smiles. God is good.

• When my dad and I have a similar thought, he likes to say that we are on the same wavelength. This is often true for me and Maddie as well, except it is the “Mommy is trying to eat” wavelength and her idea of being on it is crying every time I attempt to eat at a normal pace or have dessert.

• My capacity for small talk, even about myself,  has been obliterated by motherhood. Unless that small talk is about motherhood, in which case I can go for days.

• The whole “loosen up a baby’s congestion with steam by taking her in the bathroom during a hot shower” trick doesn’t work so well if you have the bathroom fan on. Just so you know.

• I have never seen this kid as into a toy as she was into the plastic shade that came with her new floor lamp. She likes it, and I think she wants to put a ring on it.

• Some days my life has been reduced to being excited about “big-girl poops.”

• My idea of Sophie’s Choice is warm bed vs. crying child. Crying child invariably wins, but winter might be the ideal time to start letting her cry it out.

• Speaking of which, does it count as using the cry it out method if I’m in the basement folding laundry and don’t even know she’s crying?

• Sometimes 10:30 am seems like the perfect time for a diet coke.

• SANTA’S COMING!!!! seems like the only valid excuse for some rather bizarre sleeping habits lately.

• “Mom tired” is almost using nail polish remover instead of eye makeup remover.

• I found deodorant in my hair this morning. The good news? I remembered to put on deodorant.

• I am officially one of those ridiculous parents who talks about her kid using “we,” as in “We like peas!” And when I do, my younger, cooler, non-mom self is invariably hovering nearby rolling her eyes and making gagging gestures.

• Kitties and Christmas lights are very distracting for a baby who’s supposed to be eating, apparently. So’s Daddy. And a doggie. And lint.

• There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dressing in a Halloween outfit on December 16. Purple and fuzzy black cats have no season.

• Peekaboo is killing it this week, man!

• I should not have been at all surprised that, after leaving a sleeping-for-the-night Maddie with no fewer than five adults, I came back from a Christmas party three hours later to find my wild child sitting up, watching TV and grinning from ear to ear. Would have not surprised me to also find a bourbon in her hand, a cigar in her mouth and a poker dealer’s visor on her head at that point, quite frankly.

• Sometimes the highlight of my day is being the first one at work to use the toilet after the housekeeping crew has cleaned it.

• “Maddie is on the tree at the gynecologists’ office” is a sentence that has been said in our home.

• Acute Stress Rage (ASR) affects 10 in 10 new moms; the only treatment is a husband who isn’t a dipshit. Recovery times vary.

• I turned on the Christmas station in need of a song to chillax my screaming child and “Wonderful Christmas Time” was on. She screamed louder. That song knows I hate it, and it’s after me.

• I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$…heavens, but this song about drinking a warm wine cooler, wearing a crop top and working at Hooters is catchy!

• Hard to believe, but there’s no Newsweek or Wall Street Journal at the nail salon. In a sea of Star and Hello!, Us Weekly is as newsy as it gets. Ask me and my first pedicure in six months and four days how much I care.

• Nothin’ says “Merry Christmas, Mommeeee!” like teething/having a growth spurt/being sick/whatever in the name of Jesus this is. Apparently ASR is contagious.

• 3 out of 4 overnight visits agree: there’s no point to sleeping in a crib/pack n play when there’s a real bed available. Who cares if Mommy and Daddy might have to scooch?

• I may have overestimated my net worth when I pledged to make a charitable contribution equivalent to the value of Maddie’s Christmas presents.

Gobble, gobble!

Squirrel!

Zoë clearly has the most practice posing for photos.

**CUTE BABY ALERT**

Mommy managed to eek out enough weeks between illnesses to run a 5k! And then we got sick again.

Oatmeal for dinner and some melamine for dessert.

Drive-by Brodying

Wrap up this one for me, boys.

Thanks, Troop 12!

Maddie learned a new vowel this month. Here’s a hint: It starts with O. Hmm, wait, that kinda gave it away.

Flashlight + baby mouth = Glowface

Hanging with Pops

Get a load of these sheep–what a bunch of morons!

Busted.

Happy times with Gramma

Yeah yeah, you’re magical…let’s talk ponies.

Sitting up like a champ!

She can do it by land and by sea!

Here, kitty kitty…

Odds are 3:2 on “doggie” being her first word.

Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage.

This naked baby photo has been brought to you by the Arts and Crafts channel…Mommy and Daddy aren’t so hot at getting baby handprints without ruining a lot of fabric goods in the process.

Yes, yes it is.

Life is also good when you have another onesie to change into when you yak on your other one.

One of about 12 different holiday outfits…the only saving grace is that 3/4 of them were gifts.

Six is the new five.

There’s no princess like a snow princess! Granted, there’s usually no princesses allowed in our house (except Bella, who is actually a queen) but we made an exception for this one.

Howie is a mama’s boy and has a body fat percentage of -3%, so he sometimes, um, doesn’t give me a choice of whether or not to hold him. Note that Maddie is watching TV with her gut hanging out. Have I mentioned that we’re hillbillies?

Overalls, we had a very lovely Christmas!

Bella was pretty ok with this…until Maddie fell on her. Then, not so much.

Helping wrap her Secret Santa gift

Stylin’ with pops in hats from Great Kate

Where to begin, where to begin?

Best present under Grandma Suzy’s tree this year!

BUT I TOLD SANTA I WANTED A PONY!!!!

Our first Christmas!