Have Yourself a Maddie Little Christmas

Six is the new five.

Madeline’s first unbirthday and Christmas have come and gone in quite a whirlwind! Since our last post, she had her first Thanksgiving dinner, saw her cousins in Indianapolis and picked out her very first Christmas tree. She also got a delightful visit from Gramma Liz, spent quality time with Grandma Suzy and the rest of the Morrissey/Linden/Muller clan, and made the acquaintance of a portly old fellow with a very grabbable white beard–oh, and wiped the floor with us when it came to her Christmas haul. Enjoy the latest roundup of musings and photos from Planet Maddie!

• Every so often, the clouds part and the light of the angels shines down into a dark corner of the basement to reveal a Bumpo seat you forgot you had. And the child smiles. God is good.

• When my dad and I have a similar thought, he likes to say that we are on the same wavelength. This is often true for me and Maddie as well, except it is the “Mommy is trying to eat” wavelength and her idea of being on it is crying every time I attempt to eat at a normal pace or have dessert.

• My capacity for small talk, even about myself,  has been obliterated by motherhood. Unless that small talk is about motherhood, in which case I can go for days.

• The whole “loosen up a baby’s congestion with steam by taking her in the bathroom during a hot shower” trick doesn’t work so well if you have the bathroom fan on. Just so you know.

• I have never seen this kid as into a toy as she was into the plastic shade that came with her new floor lamp. She likes it, and I think she wants to put a ring on it.

• Some days my life has been reduced to being excited about “big-girl poops.”

• My idea of Sophie’s Choice is warm bed vs. crying child. Crying child invariably wins, but winter might be the ideal time to start letting her cry it out.

• Speaking of which, does it count as using the cry it out method if I’m in the basement folding laundry and don’t even know she’s crying?

• Sometimes 10:30 am seems like the perfect time for a diet coke.

• SANTA’S COMING!!!! seems like the only valid excuse for some rather bizarre sleeping habits lately.

• “Mom tired” is almost using nail polish remover instead of eye makeup remover.

• I found deodorant in my hair this morning. The good news? I remembered to put on deodorant.

• I am officially one of those ridiculous parents who talks about her kid using “we,” as in “We like peas!” And when I do, my younger, cooler, non-mom self is invariably hovering nearby rolling her eyes and making gagging gestures.

• Kitties and Christmas lights are very distracting for a baby who’s supposed to be eating, apparently. So’s Daddy. And a doggie. And lint.

• There’s absolutely nothing wrong with dressing in a Halloween outfit on December 16. Purple and fuzzy black cats have no season.

• Peekaboo is killing it this week, man!

• I should not have been at all surprised that, after leaving a sleeping-for-the-night Maddie with no fewer than five adults, I came back from a Christmas party three hours later to find my wild child sitting up, watching TV and grinning from ear to ear. Would have not surprised me to also find a bourbon in her hand, a cigar in her mouth and a poker dealer’s visor on her head at that point, quite frankly.

• Sometimes the highlight of my day is being the first one at work to use the toilet after the housekeeping crew has cleaned it.

• “Maddie is on the tree at the gynecologists’ office” is a sentence that has been said in our home.

• Acute Stress Rage (ASR) affects 10 in 10 new moms; the only treatment is a husband who isn’t a dipshit. Recovery times vary.

• I turned on the Christmas station in need of a song to chillax my screaming child and “Wonderful Christmas Time” was on. She screamed louder. That song knows I hate it, and it’s after me.

• I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$ha in front of my child. I will not listen to Ke$…heavens, but this song about drinking a warm wine cooler, wearing a crop top and working at Hooters is catchy!

• Hard to believe, but there’s no Newsweek or Wall Street Journal at the nail salon. In a sea of Star and Hello!, Us Weekly is as newsy as it gets. Ask me and my first pedicure in six months and four days how much I care.

• Nothin’ says “Merry Christmas, Mommeeee!” like teething/having a growth spurt/being sick/whatever in the name of Jesus this is. Apparently ASR is contagious.

• 3 out of 4 overnight visits agree: there’s no point to sleeping in a crib/pack n play when there’s a real bed available. Who cares if Mommy and Daddy might have to scooch?

• I may have overestimated my net worth when I pledged to make a charitable contribution equivalent to the value of Maddie’s Christmas presents.

Gobble, gobble!

Squirrel!

Zoë clearly has the most practice posing for photos.

**CUTE BABY ALERT**

Mommy managed to eek out enough weeks between illnesses to run a 5k! And then we got sick again.

Oatmeal for dinner and some melamine for dessert.

Drive-by Brodying

Wrap up this one for me, boys.

Thanks, Troop 12!

Maddie learned a new vowel this month. Here’s a hint: It starts with O. Hmm, wait, that kinda gave it away.

Flashlight + baby mouth = Glowface

Hanging with Pops

Get a load of these sheep–what a bunch of morons!

Busted.

Happy times with Gramma

Yeah yeah, you’re magical…let’s talk ponies.

Sitting up like a champ!

She can do it by land and by sea!

Here, kitty kitty…

Odds are 3:2 on “doggie” being her first word.

Bring me Solo and the Wookiee. They will all suffer for this outrage.

This naked baby photo has been brought to you by the Arts and Crafts channel…Mommy and Daddy aren’t so hot at getting baby handprints without ruining a lot of fabric goods in the process.

Yes, yes it is.

Life is also good when you have another onesie to change into when you yak on your other one.

One of about 12 different holiday outfits…the only saving grace is that 3/4 of them were gifts.

Six is the new five.

There’s no princess like a snow princess! Granted, there’s usually no princesses allowed in our house (except Bella, who is actually a queen) but we made an exception for this one.

Howie is a mama’s boy and has a body fat percentage of -3%, so he sometimes, um, doesn’t give me a choice of whether or not to hold him. Note that Maddie is watching TV with her gut hanging out. Have I mentioned that we’re hillbillies?

Overalls, we had a very lovely Christmas!

Bella was pretty ok with this…until Maddie fell on her. Then, not so much.

Helping wrap her Secret Santa gift

Stylin’ with pops in hats from Great Kate

Where to begin, where to begin?

Best present under Grandma Suzy’s tree this year!

BUT I TOLD SANTA I WANTED A PONY!!!!

Our first Christmas!